There's really no good way to say this...

1. I admire your dedication to personal hygiene, but I'll bet your classmates would prefer that you pop your zits elsewhere--like, anyplace but in my classroom.

2. When you ask if there's anything "special" you can do for me to make sure you can pass my class, I sincerely hope you're asking for extra credit. Asking for extra work when you're having trouble completing the required assignments may be a futile gesture, but trying to offer a bribe opens up a whole new level of pain.

3. This is a small campus in a small town where our primary source of entertainment is talk, so the lie you tell on the other end of campus is going to reach my ears eventually, and then every time I look at you I'll see a scarlet L on your forehead. Just try to sell me some shaky excuse! No mercy for lying slackers.

Now that we've dealt with these peripheral issues, can we please get back to serious learning?