Friday, January 28, 2011

In praise of the apostrophe

I sing the humble apostrophe, tiny but neglected, essential for indicating possession but absent from many students' papers--or present when unnecessary. Students write about "the stories end," "the characters actions," "nobodys business," while others refer to "many story's," "two character's," or that popular board game, "Apple's to Apple's."

They tell me apostrophes are superfluous in text-messaging so why use them anywhere else? "This is just a draft," they say; "I'll add the apostrophes later," as if the apostrophe, like a cummerbund, should be stored in a dark closet and donned only for the most formal occasions.

Apostrophes ought to be common as socks but worn, like socks, where they'll do the most good. Using an apostrophe to form the plural of a noun is as silly as wearing socks on your ears, and leaving the apostrophe out of a possessive noun is like going out to play in the snow in bare feet. You buy one apple but two apples, perform one experiment but many experiments. What about forming possessives of plural nouns? Easy: write the plural noun; if it ends in s, add an apostrophe, and if it doesn't, add an apostrophe and an s: one child's apple is green while many children's apples are red; one scientist's experiment failed while many scientists' experiments did not (and many scientists' experiments' conclusions conflicted).

Some of my students are writing about characters with names that end in s, so I'm seeing poor singular Mr. Haskins referred to as Mr. Haskin's and Mr. Haskins' while the entire Haskins family is referred to as the Haskins, which would be fine if there were such a thing as a singular Haskin. In MLA style, names work just like other nouns: if Mr. Haskins has a hat, it is Mr. Haskins's hat, and if a whole mess of Haskinses have hats, they are the Haskinses' hats.

I explain these principles patiently, repeatedly, unendingly, but I fear that the apostrophe, common as socks, is going the way of the cummerbund. Such an elegant and useful little mark! Neglect it too long and someday we'll find ourselves standing barefoot in a blizzard and wondering whether to look for socks, sock's, socks', sockses, or s'ock. Hug an apostrophe today! The life you save may be your own. (But not your's or you'res or yours').

7 comments:

Laura said...

And apostrophes even look like socks! If many apostrophes were to wear socks, we could talk about the apostrophes' socks!

Nicole said...

I love the allusion to Whitman! I think this is my new favorite Excelsior post. I may read it to my WRIT 101 class on Tuesday.

Bev said...

And this is why I love my readers: because now I get to think about apostrophes in socks, and even the apostrophes' socks' holes.

Anonymous said...

It has been claimed that crabs keep apostrophes' socks exactly where they are said to hide, which is (between tides) in holes, not only below the waters' surface, but also that of much mere water too. But wait; those who know and understand those fun Romantic's whims and words' general worth in weight, tripe and whim, also understand that a mere's body is actually filled with fresh water... and so, whatever the claws' aim originally was, the current's current reach, and that of the seas and I suppose the crabs' too, is far greater than any fool's gras'p's'. Do I make myself clear?
D.

Anonymous said...

Aaaargh, those bloomin' Romantics and their whims!

D.

Bev said...

Now I've got this wonderful image of crabs hoarding socks in undersea holes. That makes my day.

Laura said...

Crabs hoarding socks? That actually makes as much sense as the washer/dryer wormhole theory in explaining where my socks are running off to.