But what about The Deadliest Catch?

If academic searches were run like reality television:

Iron Chemist
Three contestants, three well-equipped labs, one hour, and one mystery chemical. Points deducted for blowing up the building.

Marietta Ink
Finalists demonstrate their understanding of and devotion to the college's mission by means of tattoos, with search committee members evaluating the colorful results.

Survivor: Faculty Retreat
Applicants for an academic dean's position are sequestered in a remote location where they compete in gruelling challenges--balancing the staffing needs of various departments, shoving pots of money from one remote silo to another, running the fifty-meeting dash--while trying to persuade trustees, administrators, and faculty members not to vote them off the island.

Real Housewives (and husbands) of Academia
Candidates' spouses take center stage as a camera crew follows them through their ordinary lives. Which spouse will bring the most zing to the campus social scene? Stay tuned to find out!

Profzilla
Tenure-track job offer? Happiest day of your life!--Unless the contract gets revoked before you move into your office.

The Academic Apprentice
Finalists spend a semester demonstrating their willingness to teach multiple gigantic sections of intro courses, grade piles of papers, and change the toner in the copier, all for a vague promise that there might possibly be a tenure line available at some undefined point in the future. Let's call them "Adjuncts"!