Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Low-speed chase

Big news on the front page of the local paper: "Council to pursue house."

Sedentary they may be, but even our city council members ought to be able to overtake a house in a close pursuit. First, of course, they will have to debate the virtues of various methods of house pursuit: squad cars with lights and sirens or unmarked vehicles? The equine unit will want to get into the act, and the drug-sniffing dogs will bow out only after the mayor gets serious and tosses a few frisbees. Money will have to be appropriated from the proper budget line, and the minute the cost estimate hits the papers, citizens will begin forming protest groups: Citizens Opposed to the Unrestrained Pursuit of Houses (COUGH) will demand that the city council cough up proof of a conspiracy to deplete the municipal budget, while the PAID brigade (Pursue All Intransigent Domiciles) will demand that the council quadruple the funds devoted to the speedy pursuit of houses. Unwilling to face such a fight in an election year, the mayor will wisely decide to appoint a special commission to study issues related to house pursuit, which will report its findings long after the November election.

Meanwhile, the house in question will continue to inch its way out of the city council's peripheral vision. By the time the council straps on its running shoes to begin the pursuit, the house will be working as a fry cook in a run-down section of St. Louis.

No comments: