1. If you put our mailing address
into your gps system,
it will lead you to a town five miles from our house.
Please do not leave our new washing machine there.
2. Call if you get lost,
but be aware
that you'll find no cell reception
in our neck of the woods.
Backtrack to the state highway
to find a tower.
3. Yes, our bridge can carry your truck without collapsing.
Those steel I-beams haven't bent
under many other trucks just like yours.
Trust me on this:
just keep driving.
4. Halfway up the hill
you'll find the garage,
but don't stop there!
First, the garage is not the place to install a washing machine,
and second,
you won't be able to turn around.
5. When you reach the house
at the top of the hill,
you'll be greeted by a large, friendly dog
(or possibly more if her friends are visiting).
Do not be afraid: she will not hurt you.
However,
if you leave your truck's door open
with a McDonald's bag sitting on the seat,
she'll gleefully jump in
and snatch your lunch.
6. I am at work. I will not be there.
Ditto my husband.
Our son will be there to accept delivery.
(He is an adult.
Please treat him like one.)
7. After you've installed our new washing machine,
please leave the old one on the front porch,
not because we're trying to improve our
Appalachian street cred
but because we've promised it to a friend
who considers a nonfunctional appliance
an incredible boon.
8. Call if you have questions!
(But remember:
there's no reception.)
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