Monday, January 07, 2013

What my office needs right now

Food first. Gotta get some food. Lunch, yes, but if the rest of my syllabi are going to take as long as the first, I won't be leaving the office all week. I need some serious hunkering-down food: apples and granola bars, hummus and pita chips, gallons and gallons of whatever will keep me alert and hydrated. Or better yet, how about an intravenous drip? That way I won't have to worry about getting crumbs on my keyboard.

And let's arrange things more suitably for a syllabus-writing marathon: the Powers That Be never installed the sleeping loft I requested, so what I need to get through the week is a great big recliner comfy enough for sleeping, with a fold-down tray just right for my laptop. A first-class airline seat, in other words, and if it has a built-in sound system with speakers, so much the better. 

Visitors--but not too many. A few colleagues are similarly hunkered over their keyboards frantically assembling syllabi, and the occasional chat helps break up the tedium but I don't want to get entangled with too many lengthy conversation or I'll never get done. How to control the volume of visitors? I need a handy little sign to hang on the doorknob, with "Do Not Disturb" on one side and "Please Interrupt!" on the other.

Wait, I know where I can get all these things! What I need right now is not an office but a luxury hotel suite! In fact, I'm sure all of my colleagues would be more productive this week if the college were to whisk us all away to a resort where we can enjoy private rooms, comfy work spaces, and minibars providing all our needs. 

Only one problem: who would want to come back?

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