To boldly go where no paper has gone before (without boldface!)

Dear not-yet-my-student,

You've offered me so many avenues for criticism that I don't quite know where to begin: you've sent me a paper and asked for my feedback even though classes haven't started yet and the paper is intended for a class I'm not teaching; you've addressed me by an inappropriate name; and you've put a red flag on your e-mail message as if it's the most important thing coming into my inbox, certainly far more important than those mortgage refinance documents or photos of my grandbaby.

But I'm not going to complain about all that. You were, after all, just following the suggestion of the minor administrator who told you to contact me and that I would be utterly delighted to read your paper and offer suggestions. I will certainly have a word or two with that administrator, but that's not your problem.

Your problem is boldface. And italics. And, sometimes, if you're really really excited about something, boldface and italics combined with quotation marks so I can't "POSSIBLY" ignore the very important thing you have to say.

Trust me: you don't want to start like this. First of all, if you boldface important words in every sentence, what will you do when a truly phenomenal idea comes around? It's only a small step from bold/italics/quotation marks to pulsing red flaming fonts accompanied by trumpet fanfare.

Second, promiscuous mingling of boldface, italics, and quotation marks indicates a lack of awareness of proper MLA formatting. Okay, I realize that you're just an incoming freshman and I can't expect you to know squat about MLA formatting, but here's a quick and dirty secret: MLA is boring. (Perhaps intentionally.) Anything that personalizes the format of your paper, that adds color and zest and individualized Ka-POW, is probably not allowed. Get used to dullness now and save yourself a world of grief. Heed the words of David Foster Wallace, who tells us in The Pale King that the ability to endure dullness is a form of power: "If you are immune to boredom, there is literally nothing you cannot accomplish."

Finally, using tricksy font treatments to emphasize words is the sluggard's way out. Careful writers emphasize important ideas by stating them in compelling ways, using precise words and arranging them cleverly in order to confer power. See how I put the word "power" at the end of the sentence? That position packs the kind of punch that can't be conferred by boldface, italics, quotation marks, or pulsing red flaming fonts accompanied by trumpet fanfare.

You are not yet my student but you will be soon, and the first lesson you'll need to learn is to resist the urge to boldface everything. Put some duct-tape over the B key if you need to, or if you're overwhelmed by the urge to boldface, sit on your hands and hum for a while. Let your words be bold and your syntax powerful, but let your fonts be boring.