Don't ask, don't yell

Some questions I never remember to ask visiting job candidates:

1. If you were a tree, what tree would you be and how would you feel about having distant branches of your family chopped down to make paper for printing multiple hard copies of reports for those who dislike electronic document sharing?

2. Did you ever inhale? If so, where did you find any breathing room at all within the strenuous schedule we set up for your visit?

3. For faculty members who fail to complete their assessment reports, what punishment would you favor: tar and feathers, denial of tenure, ten lashes with a wet Excel spreadsheet, or permanent assignment to the Assessment Committee?

4. What color magic wand will you bring? Is it insured?