A year ago, I reacted to my election as Faculty Chair by issuing a series of promises designed to assure that I would never be elected again (read it here). Sadly, my plan to establish the Grammar Police fell apart when the Subcommittee on the Status of Official Insignia disbanded after a dispute involving the vicious hurling of epithets and epaulettes, while my proposal to raise funds for a Faculty Council Fact-Finding Expedition to Paris and London got derailed when the dog ate the Eurail passes.
Nevertheless, I felt certain that I had demonstrated sufficient incompetence in office to prevent my being elected to a second term--honest, I didn't even vote for myself! But the people have spoken and now it is incumbent upon me to issue new promises for my second term, starting with the promise to banish the phrase "it is incumbent upon me" from all official communiques issuing from this office. So forthwith and hereunto I append my official objectives:
1. All committees wishing to bring motions before the full faculty must present their requests via interpretive dance.
2. A new Committee on the Status of Faculty Self-Esteem will be charged with distribution of gold stars, certificates of appreciation, shoulder-pats, and the occasional "there, there." Funding for this effort will be taken from the money saved when we officially abolish February.
3. You know those big beribboned sticks the faculty marshals carry at commencement to keep everyone in line? I'm thinking light-sabers.
4. Chocolate fountain in the faculty lounge.
That's as far as I've gotten so far but it's still pretty early in my term. I'm accepting suggestions. It is incumbent upon me to do so.
Oops.
2 comments:
A chocolate fountain in the Faculty Lounge? I'll go back to school and get a PhD for that. Please set aside some of the pound cake and bananas, as this might take me a while. B
You'll be chair for life if you get a chocolate fountain in the faculty lounge!
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