Controlling the comma virus

This morning I read a student draft that mentioned a virus "which induces fever, paralysis, numbness, comma, and death," and I keep wondering where I can get my hands on some of that virus because some of my students could use a healthy dose of commas. Of course, you wouldn't want to overdo, because, as we all know, there's nothing more annoying, than a sudden, acute, unexpected onset, of random and, unnecessary, commas.

And if a virus can control commas, what about more insidious forms of punctuation? If the exclamation-point virus gets loose on a college campus, look out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And--not to put to fine a point on it--we wouldn't want to see--for instance--if it should happen to occur--which I sincerely hope it never does--an uncontrolled outbreak of--say--dashes. & what about ampersands?

In order to avoid complete chaos, a comma-inducing virus would have to be placed in the hands of people who can be trusted to enforce strict controls on availability and dosage. Yes, commas could become controlled substances! Imagine the black market in the comma virus, the dank, unruly dens of iniquity where addicts would seek a fix! There's got to be more profit in dealing illegal commas than in teaching English.

Unless, of course, the general public just decides to give up on punctuation entirely. Yeah, right. Like that'll ever happen. LOL.