When our daughter was an infant, we lived in a trailer park tucked behind the seminary where my husband was studying. In that block of decaying trailers constantly threatening to collapse into piles of scrap metal, a group of seminary students and their spouses formed a supportive community--sharing meals, offering rides, gathering on Saturday morning to clear out a clogged septic line. We all helped each other because we all knew how desperately we needed help.
One morning I was in the kitchen eating breakfast when I heard the garbage truck lumbering up the street. My husband had already left for class, so I grabbed our one big bag of trash and prepared to sprint to the curb barefoot and in my PJ's. But when I opened the door, I saw a neighbor walking past, a tall, rangy fellow with an air of the apocalyptic. I called out and asked him to carry my trash to the curb, and he turned to me with fire in his eyes, pointed a long, bony finger in my face, and said, "You never do nothin' for nobody--but I'll do this for you."
It felt like a slap in the face--and two decades later, it still stings. I never do nothin' for nobody? It wasn't true then and I know it's not true now. There are certainly thing I won't do for anybody. Don't ask me to buy a raffle ticket, for instance, no matter how good the cause: I'd rather make a donation and avoid the suspense. And don't ask me to bake a pie for your bake sale. I'll bake cookies or fudge or banana nut bread, but I don't do pies--not for you, not for nobody.
Other than that, I've always tried to be helpful, and I've always hated asking for help. Asking for help means admitting that I need help, and that's a bit daunting--even now, when I really can't get by without a little help from my friends. Worse, though, than asking for help is asking and being refused, which makes those words ring in my ears: "You never do nothin' for nobody!"
It's still not true. I've always tried to help my colleagues whenever I can, from covering their classes when they're absent to covering their butts when they screw up (one of the unwritten duties of a department chair). Even so, this semester as I've struggled to keep teaching through treatment, I've been reluctant to ask for too much help, and I've tried to spread the joy around so I'm not relying too heavily on any one person.
I've gotten rides from a variety of friends, former students, and college staff members, and so far I've asked three different colleagues to cover classes for me. All except one were happy to do so, but naturally I obsess over the one who said no (for a very good reason!). And this week I've been flummoxed in my attempt to find a ride home from chemotherapy next Wednesday. Everyone is really, really busy, which I understand, but each refusal makes it that much harder to ask someone else.
Maybe I'll just walk home. It's only 17 miles. I've walked that far before. Once or twice. Okay, twice--long before chemotherapy became a normal part of my life. How hard could it be?
It could be really, really hard, especially now that the weather has turned cold and wet. I guess I'd better keep asking for help and keep hoping I won't hear that apocalyptic voice crying in the wilderness: "You never do nothin' for nobody--but I'll do this for you."
6 comments:
I sure wish I were close enough to offer a ride.
Taxi?
BEV! You did things for me long before that mean spirited finger pointer ever crossed your path. Among other things, you gave me one of my favorite childhood presents. I loved that HOMEMADE stuffed pink felt hippo with the eyelet and pink satin skirt!!
Anyway, I'll give you the scoop on that guy. While you were on one side of the campus analyzing literature, I was on the other learning what makes people tick. Here's my one word armchair Psychologist's* explanation for his bad behavior: Projection! He had likely never helped anyone before and couldn't wrap his head around the concept. Since he had never done anything helpful for anyone else, he lashed out at you by stating that you had never done anything helpful.
* Of course, I never met thta guy - or I don't think so anyway. I only studied Psych as an undergrad. I haven't opened a Psychology textbook, of any level, in 25+ years and I am on record as having made one or two SERIOUS errors in judgement about people (men) in the past. Despite all that, I'm standing by my take. In laymen's terms, this guy was a jerk. Quit carrying him around in your head!
Well, wish I could help you out, but doing so would involve a two or three day road trip and a tremendous amount of gas. I can't give you a ride, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that day.
Have a good Sunday! B
Mom, I could give you a ride!
In my neck of the woods, there is a "car company" that requires a day's notice. It's like a super-expensive taxi, but at least I don't need to drive myself across the city for my treatments. Another alternative is a county-run van service for the disabled and aged (cancer patients qualify, somehow). Perhaps there are some services like these in your general vicinity?
The problem with living in my neck of the woods is that we really are out in the woods...there's nothing like a bus out here, although I suppose I could persuade a taxi to deliver me if I waved enough money around. I try to tempt my colleagues with fresh garden produce, but I doubt that a taxi driver would be willing to be paid in sweet potatoes.
If you still need a ride, let me know, and I'll ask my parents. One of them should be willing/able to get you home, depending on the time of day you finish.
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