The tulle turn

We were halfway home from the Bridal Extravaganza when I finally figured out why I had found a particular wedding gown peculiar: it looked like a dribble castle.

You know when you're at the beach and you keep dribbling wet sand out of your hand until it makes grotesque, lumpy shapes? That's exactly what that gown looked like: a dribble castle.

In four hours of rambling amongst vendors of wedding stuff, we saw plenty of dresses that didn't look like dribble castles. The typical wedding gown looked like a little girl's princess dream, complete with yards of tulle, sweeping trains, and glittering tiaras. It was a little jarring to see these Princess Barbie dresses modeled to the tunes of "Brick House" or "Bringing Sexy Back," especially since the amateur models had clearly had little experience in flouncing about in spike heels and unwieldy gowns. We kept seeing one particularly unprincesslike maneuver: in order to make her turns properly without stepping on the train, the model would reach around as if getting ready to scratch her behind and then grab the train and fling it furiously in the right direction.

We've already bought my daughter the perfect wedding gown so we weren't terribly interested in the fashions on display, but we did spend some time sampling the caterers' wares and tasting various types of wedding cake and frosting. It was a brilliant marketing strategy: after trying every conceivable variety of canape, shrimp cocktail, chocolate fountain, and cake, attendees would be in such a glucose-induced stupor that they'd agree to anything. Yes, we need to have the happy couple's name in lights on the dance floor! Videographers? We'll take two! Camouflage tuxedoes, satin-draped folding chairs, live doves released at the door? Sign me up!

We managed to resist all these temptations with one exception: we fell in love with a trio playing classical music on violin, cello, and piano. There will be no tiaras at my daughter's wedding (because a bride is not a princess), no camouflage tuxedoes (because if the groom wants to be invisible on his wedding day, who needs him?), no "Bringing Sexy Back" in the ceremony (because it's a worship service). But we will have beautiful music and classy clothes and interesting food--and, best of all, not the slightest hint of a dribble castle.