Where's that hug repellent when I need some?

If necessity is the mother of invention, this pandemic must be mothering all sorts of innovative products. Here, for whoever wants it, is my latest idea for a product that could make someone very wealthy: hug repellent.

That's right: we need a handy spray-on product that will keep potential huggers at a safe distance, something that makes us look diseased (spray-on oozing lesions!) or smell so putrid people won't want to come near us with a ten-foot pole.

The problem, of course, is that a stinky spray won't work against people whose sense of smell is compromised, like Covid sufferers and the elderly. Let's not forget that many people's sense of smell diminishes as they age, which means that stinky hug repellent would not have helped me yesterday when a bunch of sweet old church ladies kept sneaking up behind me to give me hugs.

It's not that I'm particularly lovable; I'm just attached to their beloved pastor, who is leaving to take up a different pulpit. After our socially distanced church service yesterday, we went to a farewell brunch where tables were spread far apart and people sat in family groups to maintain social distance. It's impossible to wear a mask while eating so there I sat entirely unprotected while one sweet little old church lady after another crept up behind me to throw her arms around my shoulders and put her face right up next to mine. I love these people and I will miss them immensely, but I'm just not used to that kind of public contact these days so it took every ounce of self-control not to jump up and scream We're in a pandemic! Step away from the table!

Hug repellent might have worked on a few of them, but lacking that, I have to figure out a more effective method to discourage random hugs. The only solution I can think of is to be so thoroughly unlovable that no one will want to hug me at all. No more pleasant greetings! I'll have to master a surly sneer and practice tossing out angry epithets at every turn.

Meanwhile, someone had better get to work on manufacturing some hug repellent, because I'm just not up to snarling at sweet old church ladies.