Monday morning mail

Dear student with the wandering eyes taking my Monday-morning exam:
I'm sitting right here in front of you, and my eyes work just fine. Exactly whom do you think you're fooling?

Dear student who e-mailed me late Sunday night to complain that you can't possibly do what the assignment asks you to do:
Go back and read the assignment sheet again, because it doesn't actually ask you to do the thing you say you can't possibly do.

Dear student who dropped my class right before the first exam:
I'm sorry to see you go. You've been a faithful participant in class discussion, offering interesting insights on assigned readings. I understand that you have a busy schedule and something has to go, but I wish it didn't have to be my class.  Can't you stay in the class and persuade Mr. Roaming-Eyes to drop instead?

Dear students whose drafts I read over the weekend:
The assignment asks you to do two related things in the same essay, but most of you chose to do just one and then vaguely gestured toward the other. I know it's not easy, but I really do expect you to do what the assignment sheet asks you to do. So go back and try again. 

Dear administrator who sent out a survey first thing Monday morning:
Yes, the topic of your survey is important. Yes, I would be interested in seeing what my colleagues think about the topic. Yes, I agree that full participation will make the results more meaningful. But seriously: early Monday morning? At the beginning of the fourth week of the semester, when I'm giving an exam in one class and commenting on drafts or grading papers in all the others? When I'm still a few cups short of my Daily Caffeine Quota? Ask me again another time. I've got other things to do, like stare meaningfully at Mr. Roaming-Eyes as he takes my exam. (Yoo-hoo! I'm right here! I can see you!)