A brilliant student told me today that when she was visiting campuses to decide which to attend, she always knew where to find the English department: look for the oldest-looking building on campus, the one desperately in need of a facelift, new furniture, and technology.
No surprise there, but another criterion floored me: watch the squirrels. "The friendlier and fatter the squirrels, the nicer the people," she said, "but every time I saw lean, vicious-looking, unfriendly squirrels, the people were unfriendly."
It's clear, then, that what every campus needs is a Squirrel-Cam feeding images of fat, friendly squirrels to the college website. Of course some campuses might require a total Squirellectomy to replace their lean, mean squirrels with more robust specimens, and then what if the squirrels won't perform for the camera? I foresee the day when every campus will employ an official Squirrel Wrangler.
Where will we find personnel adept at managing the needs of squirrely, inattentive, uncooperative creatures? I recommend the English department.
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