Friday, September 21, 2012

Friday poetry challenge: Stump speech

In a cartoon in the current New Yorker, a man and woman sit on a sofa surrounded by cats, with cats in their laps and cats on the floor and cats climbing up the curtains and a cat-shaped clock on the wall. The woman turns to the man and says, "Neither party seems to be talking about cats."

So true, so true. How different this presidential campaign would be if Mitt Romney had tried to confine a cat to a carrier on the roof of his car--the facial scars alone would surely preclude a political career. Neither party is talking about cats or about many other pet peeves, like my students' insistence that they're saying something profound when they describe a work of literature as "relatable" or why we haven't devoted sufficient government funds to the development of a low-calorie ice cream that doesn't taste like plastic. Maybe it's time to junk the current candidates and start over with a clean slate:

If elected, I will first outlaw
"irregardless," then I'll pshaw
the evil plan to raise a tax
on artichokes, and I'll relax
restrictions on deducting fees
for South Pacific junkets. Please
support my plan to build a bridge
to Auckland. I'll install a fridge
inside the Oval Office, stocked
with ginger ale--I'll keep it locked,
protect my store of Haagen-Dazs.
That's what I'll do when I'm the Boss!

But it's not just me. Surely other potential presidential candidates lurk out there just waiting for a chance to toss a hat in the ring. Use the comments to give me your stump speech in any form of verse. Let's get the electorate talking about things that really matter!

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