"Will we ever get to stop using apostrophes?"
The question arose in a room full of writing students who were less than enthralled by my earnest attempt to encourage them to omit needless commas. "If you've developed the habit of automatically inserting a comma after the word 'although,'" I explained, "just save all those needless commas and put them under your pillow for the Comma Fairy, who might replace them with a shiny new ampersand or--if you are truly deserving--a set of dashes."
"But what if I'm using 'although' to mean 'however'?" asked one student. I stood there looking stunned, perhaps because I was stunned. "'Although' means 'although,'" I explained. He looked dubious.
Then another student raised his hand and politely asked, "Will we ever get to stop using apostrophes?"
"Some of you already have," I said.
They looked confused. I felt confused. I wanted to stamp my feet and say, "Pay attention! This is not that difficult! If you can figure out how to use all the features on a cell phone from directions written by a semiliterate slave laborer with minimal English language skills, then you can learn how to use a comma--or even how to omit a comma when it's superfluous." But I didn't. I couldn't.
"We'll deal with apostrophes another time," I said. "Now let's get back to the comma."
Enough classes like this one and the Comma Fairy will be looking for a job.
2 comments:
I hope not. That would ruin my retirement plans.
When I retire, I will drive around our great nation looking for punctuation and/or spelling errors to correct. (Who am I kidding? I'll probably never even get out of the Mid-Ohio Valley.) Armed with cans of spray paint and apostrophes (which can double as commas in a pinch) and clothed in a black catsuit, I will correct all the errors that I see. "It's" will be used only as a contraction. "Your" will only be possessive.
I've thought about inviting my best friend Susie to join me, but then again she has her husband and boys to look after. We would call ourselves the Grammar Grannies and would travel around the country correcting the grammatical wrongs of our nation. Or at least our region.
If I were a young teacher I don't think that your postings would make me want to go on. The fact is that I am an old teacher and your postings make me not want to go on, comma or no bleeping comma.
What if I want to use the word "nevertheless" to mean "Head wound"? Where do I put the comma?
Why don't you mention me in your blog? Other people mention me in their blogs, and sometimes it's not all that scary. Sort of.
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