A roller-coaster ride that just won't quit

On the roller-coaster ride of life, it's sometimes hard to tell whether we're experiencing a thrilling upswing or getting ready to crash to the ground in a flaming heap. This week the ups and downs are coming way too swiftly, for both me and my students; it's hard to go from a hush-hush behind-closed-doors meeting concerning a serious campus controversy straight to a Zoom call celebrating my youngest grandchild's third birthday. 

On Monday a Zoom call with a colleague filled me with hope and encouragement about a looming project--until she told me about yet another controversy that threatens to drive some valuable people out of academe entirely, and then a student met with me with an exciting plan for success in my course, followed almost immediately by a total meltdown. The ups and downs flash past in a colorful blur so that at any given moment I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or scream for help. But here we are, as everyone keeps saying, and here we will remain until whatever happens next happens.

Being circumspect here. Just call me Ms. Circumspection. Biting my tongue on tasty tidbits not ready for prime time. So let's focus on the fun stuff:

I had lunch with a colleague yesterday--at a restaurant! Well, a casual deli, but still, we sat at tables indoors and conversed like civilized people. I honestly don't remember the last time I ate inside a restaurant, and the weather was nice enough to allow us to walk over there, which was a plus.

We talked about how hard it's been to maintain an active research agenda with all the demands of pandemic teaching sapping our energies and our favorite conferences being cancelled or moved online. "It's like we're on hiatus," my colleague said, and I have to agree. It's hard to plan when the future keeps hiding behind the next blind curve. 

Remember the year I turned 50? I set a goal of doing 50 things I'd never done before, from painting my fingernails blue to snorkeling at a coral reef, and I did them. The goal gave the year shape and encouraged spontaneity as I was always looking for another item to add to my list. This year I'm approaching 60 and I have no plans whatsoever. No goals, no hopes and dreams (except seeing my dad and grandkids again), no aspirations except simply to carry on doing what needs to be done. Not a particularly exciting goal, but somehow just getting through this time is starting to feel heroic.

So hurrah for everyday heroes--the ones who keep the lights on and the internet working and the campus humming; the ones who encourage each other even while up to their necks in crises of their own. Hurrah for the colleague who told me she loves my photos and asked me to keep posting them because she appreciates anything that brings beauty into our colorless lives, and hurrah for the students who keep producing brilliant work in spite of their distractions and disappointments. We're all on this roller-coaster ride together, so we may as well laugh, cry, or scream in unison as we hold on until the time when the ride smooths out.