A casualty of the Great Apostrophe War

When my grandchildren gather 'round my knee to ask "What did you do in the war, Granny?", I'll tell them I surrendered. Gave up. Waved the white flag and caved without so much as a squawk.

I'm referring, of course, to the Great Apostrophe War of 2014. I did not volunteer to fight in the GAW and neither was I recruited; I just sort of slid into it sideways, like a car on a patch of ice or flip-flops in a wet pasture studded with cow flops. (But this is February so let's stick with the ice image and forget about the cow flops. Don't even think about the cow flops. Forget I mentioned 'em.)

I was just sitting in my office minding my own business when suddenly, without warning, an e-mail message I was trying to send to faculty mailing list was returned, rejected by the moderator. Why? Because I had used an apostrophe correctly.

Of course it's not that simple. Do you wish someone a Happy Mother's Day, Mothers' Day, or Mothers Day? I would go for Mothers' Day because it's a day belonging to all mothers, but the rapid evacuation of apostrophes from pop culture seems to be moving us toward Mothers Day, which makes my brain hurt.

So I had to send this announcement out to all the faculty using a phrase like Mothers Day but I included an apostrophe, upon which my wrist was slapped by the Powers That Be, who have outlawed the apostrophe in this case. The line was drawn in the sand: remove the apostrophe or the message will not go through. 

But the message must go through! Neither rain nor sleet nor dark of night nor apostrophes nor flip-flops nor cow flops (don't think about cow flops) nor the Powers That Be can prevent the message from penetrating the faculty listserv that nobody actually reads!

But "Shoot if you must this old gray head but spare my beloved apostrophe!" is exactly what I didn't say. One of my colleagues urged me to take a stand, rally the troops to my side, and refuse to bend before the ravening hordes of apostrophe-haters, but he apparently has a lot of time on his hands. My to-do list stretches from here to Saskatchewan and threatens to swallow whole my entire weekend if I don't start checking off tasks, so I caved in and rewrote the message without the apostrophe.

Soon thereafter, through the rockets' red glare and bombs bursting in air there appeared on the faculty listserv a long message full of important information but the only thing I can see is something that isn't there--where the apostrophe ought to be is a blank spot waving like a white flag of surrender. Without intending to, I have become a casualty in the Great Apostrophe War. And I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence: two roads diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less apostrophied--and that has made not a bit of difference.