Where's Yoda when you need him?

I've been working on matching up new faculty members with experienced mentors and I've come up with an idea that ought to earn someone a pile of money: The Virtual Mentor, an electronic entity equipped to guide new faculty as they adjust to the demands of teaching, professional development, and service, not to mention that nebulous category called "collegiality." (And anyone who figures out how to bottle "collegiality" will retire to a private island in the South Pacific.)

Right now we rely on flesh-and-blood mentors, who do a great job providing information, encouragement, and understanding to newbies fresh from grad school or other careers. But let's face it, the problems that bedevil a brand-new faculty member don't always arise during working hours. No matter how dedicated the mentor, he or she is not going to welcome a 2 a.m. phone call full of frantic questions about submitting grades online.

The Virtual Mentor is the answer. This electronic avatar could be programmed to cater to the needs of the individual mentee, providing information on a continuum running from Basic (Where do I get a parking permit? What is assessment anyway?) to Intermediate (How do I assemble my tenure portfolio? Which committee will make good use of my skills and also look impressive on my vita? How do I fit research into a four/four teaching load?) to Advanced (Why do I take it personally when a student cheats? Does my department chair hate everyone or is it just me? What am I doing here anyway? I could have been a welder. The world needs welders.)

Mentees could select The Virtual Mentor's appearance (gray-haired grandfather, fussy schoolmarm, Yoda, or a dominatrix with whips and chains) and tone (on a sliding scale from "kindly" to "stern" on up to "hectoring"). The Virtual Mentor will never call in sick or forget to return a call and will have answers to every possible question at her (its?) fingertips.

It's a plan so brilliant that I'm sure someone already has the idea in development. I wish I had the computer skills to make it happen. If only I'd had some good mentoring early in my career....