Soon after word got out that I was battling cancer, I ran into a colleague in the check-out line at Wal-Mart. He briefly shared his own experience with cancer but he's a numbers guy so he got right down to percentages: "What's the five-year survival rate for your diagnosis?"
"Not good," I said, but I didn't get more specific. The five-year survival rate for my diagnosis is a scary number hidden safely away in a locked chest marked "High Explosives," and I'd rather not retrieve it out without first buckling on protective armor and calling in reinforcements. The check-out line at Wal-Mart is not the place for juggling dynamite.
I'm generally good at looking reality straight in the face, but in the past year I've learned to value selective denial. I know that cancer kills and that it could kill me, but I don't really need to think about that fact 24 hours a day. Sometimes I'd rather pull a Scarlett O'Hara and think about it tomorrow. And tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
In the opening scene of Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra, a messenger arrives with news from the big bad real world, but Our Hero is so busy whooping it up with the Queen of the Nile that he dismisses the messenger without listening to the message. He gets the news later, of course, but a long habit of denying reality has left him ill-equipped to deal with it. When reality bites, Antony falls on his sword and Cleopatra reaches for the asps.
In the past year I've gotten really good at locking away harsh realities for long stretches while I pass my days as if cancer didn't exist. When the messengers arrive bearing news of the real world (a medical bill, a blood test, a reminder of that five-year-survival rate), I armor myself to face the facts and do what's required, but I can't keep those harsh facts in front of me 24 hours a day without developing a desire to reach for the asps.
Cancer has taught me that selective denial is a necessary survival skill--as long as I keep my armor handy so I can face the news when reality bites.
1 comment:
Asps really should be available at Aspinals of Bond Street. Armor also. Where *does* one go for an asp nowadays? Asps R Us?
D.
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