Walk softly and carry a big stick (but don't do anything with it)

For three years now I've been carrying a big stick at Commencement but it's not at all clear what I'm supposed to do with it. When I asked the Chief Faculty Marshal under what circumstances I'm permitted to hit someone with the stick, she just smiled her beauty-queen smile and said, "Carry it on the left and don't let the ribbons drag on the floor."

The other three Faculty Marshals carry sticks bigger than mine and the Chief Marshal carries the biggest stick of all (because she is the Chief, if course, and indicating her status with a feathered headdress or rhinestone tiara would be unseemly). I am the newest member of the college's crack Faculty Marshal squad, so my stick is the smallest. Still, it could deliver a pretty good bonk on the noggin if required to do so. But nooooooo--hitting is strictly prohibited.

So what am I supposed to do with my stick? The answer came to me as I was trying to get the students and faculty seated neatly in their rows. We processed in as planned to the tune of "Pomp and Circumstance," and then two student marshals and I were in charge of making sure exactly 30 people moved into each row, leaving no seats empty on the ends. The problem is that the first people don't move to their seats quite quickly enough, so the last three or four see a row that looks full and try to move to the next row, so I spend a lot of time persuading processing people that yes, they actually should stay in this row instead of moving back one. This effort sometimes makes me lose count, which is not good. The faculty are even worse, because they are less inclined to trust the judgment of a colleague just because she happens to be speaking softly and carrying a big stick. With ribbons on it. That are not dragging on the floor.

Even with three of us counting, we ended up with some uneven rows: two student rows each had an empty seat on the end, and one faculty row had three empties. I hesitate to use the "herding cats" cliche, but it did occur to me while I was seating students that the stick could be used the way shepherds use crooks to count sheep: I could hold the stick out and make each graduating senior jump over it.

The problem, of course, is that many of the female students wobble in wearing entertaining footwear--heels up to here, gladiator straps, spiky patent-leather strappy sandals adorned with shocking-pink flowers--and I doubt that five-inch heels would enhance a student's ability to jump hurdles. One small slip and all those black-robed grads will be falling like dominoes, and the next thing you know we've got a lawsuit on our hands.

But if making them jump over the stick won't work, how about if I hold up the stick and make them duck under it? A little limbo action would liven up the processional, especially if the band director can be persuaded to ease a Latin beat into Elgar.

I want to suggest this to the Chief Marshal but I'm afraid she'll just unleash that indomitable smile and take away my stick. That would be the time for hitting.

On the left.

With the ribbons not dragging on the floor.