A PhD in Transcending Puppy Studies

This morning my creative nonfiction students convinced me that I'm in the wrong business. Several of them went on a fact-finding mission to a nearby institution of higher education: International Metaphysical University (visit here). It's not easy to tell from the web site, but IMU's headquarters are just downriver from here, although why such an institution needs a headquarters is beyond me. They ought to be able to hold all classes and meetings on a purely metaphysical plane.

IMU's home page entices students with a barrage of questions: "Have you already decided that you're not like everyone else? Are your interests great than sitting behind a desk? Do you want to create life? Do you want to own your own time?" Who could resist such an appeal? Sign me up!

IMU boasts an impressive list degrees available at the undergraduate through PhD level in programs like Shamanic Studies, Intuitive Arts, and Ufology. Tuition runs a flat $300 per credit hour, although those hours are unlikely to transfer anywhere since IMU is currently unaccredited. You could earn an Associates of Science in Galactic Shamanism with only 60 credit hours of classes with titles like "Our Purposeful Universe," "Basic Shamanic Journeying," and "Intro to Crystal Science." The Doctorate in Galactic Shamanism looks pretty intense, with courses including "Metatronis Cube Sacred Geometry" and "Becoming a Galactic Guide and Transformer."

Creating life, becoming a transformer--I never get to do this kind of stuff in my classes. I'm definitely in the wrong discipline. All I have to do is get that second PhD and then I can apply to work at IMU! A colleague asked if I would write her a letter of recommendation for IMU, and I said, "I won't need to write it. I'll just think really hard and they'll use their intuitive arts to receive it."

But alas, who has time to pursue another degree? Duty calls, sounding like a bunch of yappy little puppies that need attention. One of these days I'll learn the metaphysical art of transcending the yappy puppies, but right now I'm going to a meeting.