Infernal argument

I spent some time in Hell this morning, taking American Lit students on a guided tour through "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" and then introducing my freshman composition students to critique by means of a hellish argument:

When Princess Diana died, there was some debate in the press about whether she had gone to Heaven or Hell. One prominent authority in the Anglican church published an article claiming that because the Princess had committed sinful acts, she must be spending eternity in Hell. This was disappointing to Diana's fans, who would like to spend eternity with their idol; clearly, for those who idolizes Diana, spending eternity separated from their idol would make Heaven a sort of Hell. But how can Princess Di's fans make sure they spend eternity with their idol? Even if they perform some really immoral act--an act vile enough to get them condemned to Hell--they might eventually repent and seek forgiveness, ending up in Heaven, which for them would be hellish. The only solution is for true fans of Princess Di to commit a mortal sin and then die immediately, without hope of repentance. Therefore, anyone who truly loves Princess Di ought to commit suicide.

I have used this little argument in composition classes for years and so far I have utterly failed to persuade any of my students to commit suicide, which suggests that the argument is a failure, but on the other hand, the exercise offers students an opportunity to hone their critical thinking skills by identifying the flaws in the argument, which makes the argument a big success.

And best of all, no one has to go to Hell.