Hear ye, hear ye:
By the powers vested in me by virtue of my position as Department Chair, I hearby outlaw all medical conditions that might threaten departmental stability. I banish all allergens, viruses, cysts, bugs, and fluxes, and prohibit all such pestilences from entering my domain.
For let the record show that the English Department has suffered enough. When three out of six full-time faculty members end up in the hospital in a mere three weeks' time, it is high time for human frailty to find another venue. And so I proclaim my department off-limits to illness.
There. That ought to take care of the problem.