Dr. Dull and the Looniversity

The job applicants we interviewed last week can be roughly divided into two groups: those we'd gladly listen to all day long and those who made our eyes glaze over at "Hello." Over the course of 24 interviews, my colleague J developed some pretty effective techniques for dealing with both kinds.

Suppose the candidate was a Froot Loop who'd just beamed in from Planet Flake: interesting, but clearly not firmly enough connected to reality to work at a small college at the edge of Appalachia. While the rest of us were trying to figure out graceful ways to end the interview, J would lean forward with interest and egg the candidate on with question after question, inviting him to share grand plans for transforming our down-to-earth campus into an outpost of Loon University.

This produced an entertaining spectacle, which is more than I can say for J's method of dealing with the candidate who not only was not interesting himself but somehow managed to suck all the interestingness from the room--and possibly from the entire Chicago metropolitan area. While the rest of us struggled to steer Dr. Dull toward more scintillating topics, J would lean back in his chair and lose himself in the white noise of the interview room, nodding rhythmically and occasionally making some vague agreeable sound, like "Um-hm" or "Right!" I would look at him, my eyes pleading for rescue from this fount of dullness, but J would just nod and grin and say "Mm-hm."

When we finally managed to dislodge Dr. Dull from the table, J offered a single comment: "He just about drove me to DefCon 4."

DefCon 1: "So, do you have any questions for us?"
DefCon 2: "It's been great talking to you! Have a great trip back!"
DefCon 3: Stand up and extend the arm for a farewell handshake.
DefCon 4: Excuse yourself to visit the rest room or catch a train.

I don't know what comes after DefCon 4, but if we're ever in that situation, I'm sure J will know what to do.