Unsent letters, final exam edition

Dear student of comedy:
Thanks for providing a solid laugh in the middle of my exam-grading. Your description of Walter Mitty, Don Quijote, and King Arthur (from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) bickering over what to pack for their heroic adventure demonstrated admirable awareness of the works as well as a sharp sense of comic juxtaposition. Just picturing Sancho Panza trying to fit in with King Arthur's entourage was enough to make me laugh, but then when you add Walter Mitty's wife to the mix--that's priceless.

Dear aspiring C- student:
I believe you when you say a D+ is not consistent with your self-image, but I'm not sure what to do when you request extra points because you had no intention of doing poorly on any of your assignments. Frankly, I've never figured out how to objectively assess a student's intentions or how to assign a grade to a self-image. If you had intended to do well on the final essay, why didn't you, for instance, revise in response to my comments on your draft or seek my assistance to improve your performance? Why did your final exam demonstrate little to no understanding of the texts or concepts under discussion? If you intended to earn nothing less than a C- in my class, why didn't you act on those intentions from the beginning of the semester by--oh, I don't know, reading the assigned texts? That would be a good way to demonstrate your good intentions. But since your intentions have not resulted in results I can assess, you'll have to live with the D+.

Dear recycler of prose:
That paper you wrote may have earned an A in the class for which you originally wrote it, but if doesn't fulfill the requirements of the assignment in my class, don't come looking for an A. Are you familiar with the phrase "original work"?

Dear obsessive inserter of superfluous apostrophes:
Wouldn't it just be easier to leave 'em out? Think of all the time you'd save if you stopped inserting apostrophes where they're not needed! Why, you might be able to figure out how to insert apostrophes where they are needed, which would be a big step toward writing like a person who cares about precision instead of a caricature of a third-grader.

Dear self:
Why aren't you grading papers? You should be grading papers, and then you should be grading final exams, and then you should be submitting final grades and assessment reports and D/F slips. You certainly shouldn't be blogging. So stop it already. Just stop.