Thursday, March 24, 2016

Mail-merge gone mad!

From today's Columbus Dispatch
Ohio State University wanted to reassure 17,000 accepted applicants that they won't be lost in the crowd at an institution with 50,000-plus undergraduates.

The problem: The postcards they sent out all had wrong first and/or middle names for the prospective students.

Dear prospective student:
Please accept my personal apology for the computer error that mangled your name in a recent mailing. We are well aware that no sensible person would name a child Pataskala--unless that is your actual name, in which case please accept my personal apology for ridiculing your given name.  (Although if your name really is Pataskala, maybe you ought to ask your parents for an apology along with regular sessions with a good therapist).

In addition, we are heartily sorry that the salutation "Dear Potential Moneybags" slipped past our skilled proofreaders. They'd been out to a long lunch celebrating Evelyn's divorce from that no-account scumbag Earl, and they may have been less than diligent in their duties. Nothing personal! Such an error is unlikely to occur in the future thanks to a strict "no long lunch" rule and a revolution in Evelyn's outlook now that she's moving in with her new soul mate, Pataskala.

And you know that part of the message where we encouraged you to enroll in our Children of Convicted Sex Offenders support group? Sorry! We don't actually have a CCSO support group, but you can play an important part in creating this vital resource by pledging to donate $75 per month in perpetuity, for which you will receive as a thank-you gift one "Barely Legal" pinup calendar.

Finally, I want to assure you that our skilled IT people have repaired the glitch that scrambled some information on previous mailings so such an error will not be repeated. We are fully committed to making each student feel welcomed and appreciated as an individual human being, and that means you. So please give us another chance to woo you, Wapakoneta!

(Unless your name is Pataskala, in which case see paragraph 1.)

Brutus Blackeye  

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