Newfies loose chewed moose

I thought that the story couldn't get any stranger, and then I encountered the offhand mention of Cornea-Nibbling Parasites of Doom. It's a crazy world out there, folks! Read it and weep:

According to a whole mess of reliable sources (read the CBS News version here), two guys are just ambling along the beach in Newfoundland when they notice an eight-foot-long Greenland shark in the shallows struggling to consume a large chunk of moose. So they did what any right-thinking human being would do: run screaming into the woods.

I'm kidding. If they had run away, there wouldn't be any story. Instead, they decided to HELP the shark, which was trapped in the throes of a Thanksgiving cliche, having bitten off more than it could chew. (One expert, though, says the shark probably didn't need any help: it may have "just been enjoying a large meal," says Jeffrey Gallant, lead scientist at the Greenland Shark and Elasmobranch Education and Research Group, which raises an important question: what, precisely, is an Elasmobranch and where can I get one?)

So back to our two intrepid shark-rescuers, Derrick and Jeremy, who performed a modified Heimlich maneuver on the Greenland shark, tugging the hunk of moose flesh and hide out of the shark's mouth, at which point the shark, irate at being deprived of its dinner, gobbled both men down feet-first. 

Okay, I'm kidding again. Our guys shoved the eight-foot shark into water about three feet deep--the exact depth at which the Greenland shark loves to stalk its prey, except our Derrick and Jeremy must not have looked much like prey, or maybe the shark decided to eschew chewing on moose-loosing Newfie lunatics, but at any rate, the shark swam away.

But what about the Cornea-Nibbling Parasites of Doom? Ahem:

Greenland sharks are rarely seen on the northeast coast of Newfoundland. It is a lumbering bottom dweller that spends most of its long life blinded from parasites feeding on its corneas.

This would be a great place to insert some clever little moral about the predator becoming prey, but the very idea of Cornea-Nibbling Parasites of Doom makes me want to whimper in a dark closet with my hands firmly clapped over my eyes. If there's anything scarier than a shark that can swallow a moose, this is it!