The customer is always wrong

Transcript of an imaginary telephone conversation:

Thank you for calling Customer Service. How may I help?

Um, yeah, I'm not entirely satisfied with the cup of LottaChai I just made.

And how can I help you with that?

Well, um, on the package it says that if I'm not entirely satisfied with the product I should call this number, so that's what I did.

Is there something wrong with the product?

No, it's fine, really, but when I drink it I just feel as if there's something missing, some small but important part of the experience that's somehow lacking. I'm just not--satisfied.

Maybe you didn't follow the directions.

What directions? I just stirred the mix into the hot water.

There's your problem right there. When you're dealing with the delicate blend of flavors found in our instant hot beverage products, you must pay very careful attention to the directions or you're bound to be dissatisfied with the result.

But it's just instant tea!

Nonsense. Do you have the package in front of you?

Um, yeah, I had to use it to find the phone number.

Great. Just read me the directions, okay?

Okay: "In your favorite mug, pour 8 ounces of boiling water over 3 tablespoons of LottaChai mix. Stir well and enjoy." That's just what I did.

Are you sure about that?

Of course I'm sure. How could I mess up something so simple?

You'd be surprised. Let's just review: did you use your favorite mug?

What? What difference does that make?

You read it yourself: the directions require that you use your favorite mug. Did you?

Well, um, I don't really have a favorite mug. I just sort of use whatever mug is handy.

Did you at least choose a mug that you like?

Not particularly. It's this tacky orange mug with a Norman Rockwell print--I keep hoping it'll break so I'll never have to look at that boy and his dog again.

Tsk, tsk. No wonder you're not entirely satisfied! If you'd only followed directions--

But I followed the rest of them!

We'll see about that. Did you measure 3 tablespoons of LottaChai mix into the mug?

Well, I sorta eyeballed it and poured it into the water.

Poured it into the water? The instructions demand that you put the mix in the mug first and then pour precisely 8 ounces of boiling water over it. Did you do that?

Well, 8 ounces more or less--

More or less! How do you expect to be entirely satisfied with your LottaChai experience if you ignore every step in the directions!

Hey, that's not fair! I did one step right.

Which step?

"Stir well." I stirred it pretty darn well. In fact I think I should get an A plus for my stirring abilities alone.

All right, I'll give you that much, but what about the final step?

What final step?

The last part of the instructions: "Stir well and enjoy." Did you enjoy?

Not really--but that's why I'm calling you.

There you go again failing to follow directions. The directions clearly require you to enjoy your drink.

But--

How do you expect me to help you if you can't obey a simple command like "enjoy"?

But I can't enjoy my drink just because you said so!

Of course you can. Millions of people just like you manage to follow our directions to the letter every day. What's your problem?

My problem! It's your hot beverage mix!

But you're not preparing it correctly. You must follow directions: use your favorite mug, not your second favorite mug or whatever mug just happens to be available, and measure precisely 3 tablespoons of dry mix into the mug before pouring over it precisely 8 ounces of boiling water--not hot, not near-boiling, but boiling water--stir well, which I grant that you may have managed to do in this case, and if the directions tell you to enjoy it, then you'd darn well better just sit down and enjoy it.

But if could force myself to follow the command to "Enjoy" then I wouldn't have a problem!

Exactly. It's been a pleasure serving you.

Click.