Spidey 'n' me

It's not every day that I compare myself to Spider-Man in class, but this morning I found myself explaining to students that "with great power comes great responsibility." Spider-Man never asked for the ability to swing from webs and I never asked for an extraordinary capability to write very bad prose, but like Spiderman, I dedicate myself to employing my superpowers for the good of all. 

This may or may not explain why I make my writing students revise passages like this one:

If they cut out all those repetitive, redundant, bland, colorless, unnecessary adjectives, they would have less words and write bad. On the other hand, if they use few adjectives but only, like, make them really incredibly wonderfully awesome, then they will have esoteric, poignant, and just plain neat prose that marvelously overshadows all that high-falutin' gussied-up bullcrap.

Or this:

Them professors are too demanding; whomever teaches a class should think more about the needs of the students. They should not give students assignments every day; instead, they should give he or she a few days off during the week, especially if him or her has to work to earn money for tuition.

Or, heaven help us, this:

One of the best ways for maximum effect to be created in sentences is for interesting verbs to be used. The reason being is that verbs actionify nouns, making static sentences seem as if they are being more movement-oriented.

I can't help it: once my writey-senses start tingling, sentences like these just pour out. It's a gift, but whatever you do, don't let these sentences loose on the general public. You wouldn't want a power like this to spread to people who don't know how to use it responsibly.