You know you live in the sticks when not worrying about the date qualifies as front-page news.
"Many not worried over hexing date 6-6-6," screams the bold black headline on the front page of today's local paper. Good to know that something I have spent much of my life doing--namely, not worrying about the date--is important enough to merit front-page coverage. After reading the article, though, I wonder whether I'm working hard enough at not worrying about the date. Apparently, there's an awful lot to not worry about.
For instance, this: "The 06-06-06 date that has Hollywood and all those who pay attention to it buzzing around, has stirred questions over whether the world will experience some apocalyptic event or if the religious significance of the date will come clear this week." This sentence offers plenty of things to worry about; for instance, what is the "it" that "all those" are paying attention to? Hollywood? The date? Who or what is "buzzing around"? Hollywood? The date? "It"? I worry about these things.
The article goes on to inform me that "Web sites are taking bets with 10 to 1 odds that something will happen." This fact, if true, is deeply worrying. I've never bought a lottery ticket in my life but even I would be willing to lay down my savings on the chance that "something" will happen tomorrow. For instance, I have it on good authority that the sun'll come up tomorrow--bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun. That's "something."
Next, the article lists several (precisely two) ominous factoids suggesting that whatever that "something" is, we'd better be worried: 1) the impending release of the remake of the movie The Omen, which makes me worry once again about Hollywood's alarming willingness to recycle mediocrity; and 2) the statement that "Books about God and society are hitting shelves." Now that's worrying. You just know that when books about "God and society" start multiplying, all heck is about to break loose.
Surely the clergy should be up in arms about this alarming trend, but no. According to the article, local clergy are "smirking at what many of them say is the next Y2K silliness." The clergypersons in my circle aim for that avuncular look combining compassion, concern, and gentle optimism; they must get the smirks beaten out of them in seminary, which raises the question: where did the news reporter find all those smirking clergypersons? Perhaps they're not real clergypersons at all but impostors infiltrating the local churches as part of some vast worldwide conspiracy--yes, and smirking is the secret sign marking membership in their nefarious brotherhood! If this is true, we'll never know unless Dan Brown writes a book about it; until then, there's no point in worrying about it.
The article reports that one local priest "said he hadn't even heard anything about the lurking date," which makes me worry about how, exactly, a date might be said to "lurk." It's not as if it can put on a trenchcoat, pull a hat low over its eyes, and loiter in darkened alleyways awaiting the chance to jump out at unsuspecting passersby. I mean, tomorrow's date is right there on the calendar in broad daylight, making no attempt to sneak up on anyone. When that sort of behavior constitutes "lurking," I'll start to worry.
Another local pastor, says the article, "pays little mind to things that he interprets as mere symbolism and philosophy," which covers an immense range of stuff not to worry about, but I'm so grateful that the pastor didn't adopt Dan Brown's "religious symbology" that I refuse to worry about the extent of this pastor's trouble-free philosophy.
Later, though, this same pastor's views are paraphrased thus: "his advice to people who fear the end is near should focus more on their life." I'm worried about the absence of any noun suitable to serve as the subject for "should focus" in this sentence. His advice should focus? People should focus? My advice to people who write front-page newspaper articles is that they should focus more on avoiding faulty predication and less on writing incoherent articles full of idle speculation. Let Hollywood and "all those who pay attention to it" worry about the date; I'll worry about the prevalence of bad journalism. It's a tough job but someone's got to do it--and clearly it won't be the local newspaper. It's too busy not worrying about the date.
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