Friday, April 28, 2023

Post-Traumatic Glitch Syndrome

Deep cleansing breath, and let it out slowly. Breathe, and breathe again. Think happy thoughts--last day of classes! Summer break just around the corner! Freedom awaits! So don't even think about that annoying little tech issue that's poisoning your morning. Just put it out of your mind!

You know the thing I'm talking about--the link that won't work, the software that won't respond, the marginal comment that won't stick to the essay you're grading. It's just a minor glitch, one tiny little tech issue that shouldn't be permitted to spoil your day--which, as you may recall, is the Last Day of Classes, so forget all about tech glitches and just breathe. And breathe again.

Don't waste your time fantasizing about that Tech Utopia where everything works simply and intuitively, where you emerge from training well equipped to troubleshoot every minor issue that may arise. Don't even think about how much you'd pay for a Technology Solution that solved more problems than it caused, and for sure don't let your computer hear you complaining about technology lest it lash out and find more passive-aggressive ways to thwart your wishes, like the time the Delete key got stuck and wouldn't stop deleting until the screen was entirely empty.

Don't think about that. Breathe deeply, calm your thoughts, and humbly beseech your computer to fulfill its essential purpose: to meet your needs, to tackle your tasks, to smooth your path through the last day of classes and toward that glowing dot on the horizon called Summer Break. It's on the way! You can't stop it from arriving!

Just breathe deeply and keep your hand off the crowbar.

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