Last dance before the apocalypse

A friend sent me photos of spoonbills he's encountered and they plunged me into memories of spoonbills I've visited in Florida and Georgia, lovely pink birds with big awkward bills that sweep side-to-side in the water. I had to go back and search for my own spoonbill photos, which took me on a journey through file after file full of colorful birds and butterflies and beaches and blossoms and dragonflies and grandkids and snow and sleds and everything wonderful. I really needed that this morning--my own private smile file.

Yesterday I enjoyed attending a very pleasant event where I could cheer for my colleagues earning awards, but it felt a little like the last dance before the apocalypse. Next week is Axe Week, when a certain number of colleagues will be told that their positions are being cut. Do I know that final number? No I do not, but Faculty Council has been consulted as part of this process so I know some names, and I find that knowledge very uncomfortable. I want to comfort some colleagues and avoid others and I find myself working with my office door shut just because I fear that I'll spill something I'm not supposed to share.

Consultation sounds abstract but what it comes down to is weighing how certain cuts would affect the curriculum and whether one type of cut would be less painful than another, but we know all those abstract positions as people who work alongside us and share our passion for the mission of the College. Some cuts may be less painful than others in the long term, but none of them will be painless. I've been walking around feeling some of that pain in anticipation even though the axe hasn't even fallen yet. I don't know how any of us will get through the next two weeks.

It was just one year ago that we learned about the massive budget crisis that precipitated all these cuts, and a year later we're still struggling. Last year I tried to cope with the crisis by getting out of town for Spring Break to spend time with the grandkids and look at birds. Now I'm waiting for the axe to fall and I'm coping by looking at spoonbills. They're lovely and soothing and they calm my soul, but nevertheless I have never felt so powerless in the face of impending pain. All I want to do is fly away.