"And other duties as required...."

How many academics does it take to free a trapped sparrow from an elevator shaft?

Well, it depends on how you define academics. At least five people were involved in the sparrow rescue, some digging in hands-on while others served a more supervisory function. My primary role was to say "Hey, is that a bird stuck in the elevator shaft?"and find someone who could help, but since we don't have a designated bird-rescuer on staff, I grabbed the nearest administrator.

I'm going to avoid naming names here not because my bird-rescuing colleagues aren't heroes but because I'm certain that we violated a not insignificant number of OSHA policies while trying to rescue the bird and I don't want to get any of the rescuers in trouble.  In the end the rescue group included representatives from English, IT, Academic Affairs, and the Physical Plant.

Now the first thing you need to know is that this isn't your normal ordinary indoor elevator but a glassed-in outdoor elevator sitting alongside the steep steps at the front of the administration building.  You can't get into the elevator without the appropriate key, and if you're a wheelchair-bound campus visitor who lacks a key, you use a little call box to alert someone inside the building that you need to get in.

I don't know how the bird got into the space below the elevator--after all, birds don't need elevators, can't operate call boxes, and don't have any pockets where they can carry keys--but he was clearly struggling to get out. Why not just open the door? I didn't have a key, but the administrator did; however, it's not possible to open that door while the elevator is, um, elevated. (This is getting confusing, but trust me, it was a lot more confusing in real time.) Use the manual override to lower the elevator...and the door won't open. The bird is now fluttering in a narrow space between the elevator and the external glass, but it can't stretch its wings out enough to take flight.

Suggestions start flying, with random passersby tossing in their two cents' worth. Reach a branch down there so the bird can climb up it! The administrator finds a long gnarly branch to reach down in to the gap but the bird wouldn't climb. Reach a hat down there to scoop up the bird! But no one present has long enough arms. Finally the Physical Plant guy says, "Anybody got a broom?" And before you know it the bird gets scooped up into the elevator and the door gets opened and the bird scoots off into the bushes.

And we all give each other high fives and celebrate our bird-rescuing efforts, but really, what did I do? I noticed the bird in distress and sounded the alarm, and then I mostly sat back and watched my colleagues work. My eye was on the sparrow! (If OSHA calls, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.)