Crunch-time conversations

Your computer crashed again? What a coincidence! It crashed last time you had a draft due, and the time before that too! In fact, every time you've had a draft due in my class, your computer has mysteriously crashed just as you were getting ready to save the file and you've had to turn in whatever mess you could throw together in the five minutes before class. Quite an amazing computer you've got there, correctly predicting the worst possible time to crash. Does it do this trick for all of your classes or just for mine?

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Student: Can you tell me how to fix my paper?
Me: Sure! What have you done since I sent you suggestions on your draft two weeks ago?
Student: Nothing. 
Me: So what do you want from me today?
Student: Tell me how to make my paper better.
Me: Well, first you could do the things I suggested when I responded to your draft TWO WEEKS AGO.
Student: Can you tell me again? 

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No, you may not borrow my book to use on the open-book essay exam. I don't care why you don't have the book--whether you've already sold it back to the bookstore or never bought it in the first place--but no, you can't use mine. The syllabus clearly states that you will need the textbook on the final exam and I've mentioned that fact in class repeatedly, so don't pretend you didn't know. And no, you may not share a book with a classmate during the exam. You may use your own book. If you don't have one, may I commend to your attention a remarkable institution: the library.