Playing catch-up in the admissions arms race

I haven't worked an admissions event in several years, so yesterday when I manned the English Department information table, I was shocked--shocked, I tell you!--at advances other departments have made in the battle to attract students.

It's an admissions arms race out there: one department offered candy, while another offered candy AND pens, and the next provided imprinted cups full of candy and pens. Some tables featured massive displays of colorful photographs of students doing exciting things in and out of the classroom, while others offered photos AND videos that looked professionally produced. One prof dressed like a mad scientist while another donned a gigantic hat resembling the one worn by our college mascot. The biggest crowd, though, gathered around a fraternity's colorful display--not to read their informational materials but  to pet the dog.

I looked at the table in front of me and saw folders full of printed materials about the English major and stacks of copies of our college literary magazine. No photos, no video, no costumes, no candy, no pets. Clearly, the English Department needs to step up its game--but how?

I brainstormed a bit with the English major who was helping to (wo)man the table (which attracted a total of TWO prospective majors). Sure, we could post some photos or get someone more technologically advanced that I am to produce a video, and we could even order pens or cups or t-shirts or jump drives or kruggerands advertising the department, but we would still be way behind in the admissions arms race. 

Costumes? I suppose we could dress up like famous authors, but I'm not sure the mournful face of Edgar Allan Poe is the best lure for prospective students.

Pets? My dog is uncivilized and most of my colleagues have cats, but I suppose we could come up with a goldfish. Name him Moby Dick. That'll bring in the crowds!

Finally, it hit me: the prospective students who stop at our table always want to know what they can do with an English major, and I thought of a great way to show them. We'll ask our director of tutoring services to hang some silks from the ceiling and demonstrate the acro-yoga skills she teaches, and then when she's drawn a sufficient crowd, she can talk about the advantages of pursuing dual majors in English and biology and how much she loves the job her major led her to. Then we can invite the prospective students to pet the goldfish and hand them each a kruggerand imprinted with the college logo. That should get some attention!

Then I'll hand them a folder full of printed materials about the major, and that's when they'll all turn and walk away--because, let's face it, nobody wants to be forced to actually read things.

So maybe my plan needs work. I'm accepting suggestions! (And kruggerands too, if you have a few to spare.)