Wednesday, April 13, 2016

So I think I'll just schedule that crisis for sometime next millennium, okay?

Thank you for calling the Crisis Scheduling Service. All our Certified Crisis Scheduling Counselors are currently providing careful, compassionate care to other callers. Please do not hang up! Your call will be forwarded to the next available Certified Crisis Scheduling Counselor. Meanwhile, relax and listen to selections from "Music that Makes You Want to Stab Your Eardrums with a Sharp Stick."

....


Thank you for calling the Crisis Scheduling Service. Your call is important to us--so important that we're waiting until the Certified Crisis Scheduling Counselor best equipped to handle your particular Crisis Scheduling Needs is done dealing with Marge from Milwaukee, whose panic attacks need to be scheduled on alternate Wednesdays after 3 p.m. except when the moon is full and Jupiter is in the house of Mars. Please continue holding and enjoy this little repeating loop from the shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho.

....

Still there? My, you're persistent. Really committed to scheduling that crisis, aren't you? Please continue to hold. Your call is important to us! Really! Would we lie to you?

....

Thank you for calling the Crisis Scheduling Service. While you wait, you may be wondering how we determine which Certified Crisis Scheduling Counselor is best equipped to handle your particular Crisis Scheduling Needs. The fact is that we're watching you. We've got cameras everywhere and we know how to tap into your personal computer, smartphone, television, microwave, car, refrigerator, and even your electric toothbrush. We know all about the toenail clippings under the rug, the secret stash of Häagen-Dazs behind the stuffed peppers in the freezer, and the phrase you mutter under your breath every time your brother-in-law calls. ("Oh, chickenpoop!") So just sit back and relax as we examine our files for the best possible outcome to your Crisis Scheduling Needs.

....

Thank you for calling the Crisis Scheduling Service. Unfortunately, our Certified Crisis Scheduling Counselors are not equipped to work with clients prone to violence. Don't try to hide it! We saw you bang the phone against a brick wall! And don't give us that story about banging your head against the wall when the phone got in the way, as if violence to a telephone were simply collateral damage. We don't deal with collateral damage. We insist that all clients schedule their crises in a calm and rational way. If your Crisis Scheduling Needs cannot be conveyed in an adult manner, then maybe you'd better schedule your crisis on your own time.

....

Thank you for calling the Crisis Scheduling Service.  All our Certified Crisis Schedulers are currently providing careful, compassionate care--wait, what's that noise? Sounds like someone pounding on the bunker door. Who's there? Is that--it can't be--is that you, Marge from Milwaukee? Put down the sledgehammer! Please, I'm sure we can work this out if you'll just be calm and rational---AHHHHHHH! No, Marge, No! Your call is impor---

Click.

No comments: